So Long Instagram, Hello Happiness
2022 EDIT: Late February of this year I reinstated my account. I have been inspired anew to share our families story on social media. Motivated 100 percent by the desire to spread hope and joy to others. It’s a very different experience for me this time around- much more fulfilling, much less anxiety producing. :)
I wish happiness was as simple as deleting an Instagram account. It isn’t. But deleting the accompanying Truth and Beauty Remain Instagram account has steadied my anxiety a bit.
To those of you who had been following it- no I have not randomly blocked you, the account is simply deactivated.
I think I had the account for a total of one month. That was how long it took to remind me that I hate social media. I deleted my FB account years ago. (well, to be honest not deleted, but scaled down to 30 friends- primarily people to whom I am related). I probably should have realized I would be equally disenchanted with Instagram… but live and learn I guess.
I have found value in posting about our life. About Garrett’s life. Our life with Garret. It makes me so happy to think people are reading about our experiences, and holding us in thoughts and prayers. I feel less lonely, and more connected blogging about our life when it feels right.
But holy moly -Instagram. I wasn’t ready for the anxiety and stress that it caused. I found myself “connecting” with two different worlds through this social media platform. The “special/medical needs” world, and the “normal” world. Both caused emotional trauma.
Initially connective, I found the “medical needs” world overwhelming. We deal with the stress of Garrett’s needs every day. The hospital visits. The surgeries. The equipment. The emergencies. The daily grind. It’s nice to know there are many others who have similar experiences. However, I do not have enough heart to live through their journey as well as my own. I don’t have enough heart to care the way I should care and pray the way I should pray about 100+ other families with a baby with extreme medical needs. Not every day. It’s too much. My emotional capacity is pretty much spent managing our family. Social media and the internet is truly so amazing in how it can connect so many like families. Families from all over America, and all over the world who have trach kiddos, and special need kiddos, and medically complex families. But it’s a connection I don’t need right now.
And then, there were the other families. The “normal” families. Full of pictures of “normal life”. Beautiful. Lovely. But also a life and a reality that I don’t need to mentally compare myself to.
Our life has been different-drastically different-since Garrett’s birth. And we’ve been doing a pretty dang good job at it. Andrew and I are champions of joy, and very committed to seeing the glass half full. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a temptation to wonder “what if our life was easier?” “What would we be doing if we didn’t have a trach kid?” “How would this pandemic have affected our family if Garrett’s needs were different?” “What would our life look like if we weren’t constantly stressing about staffing nurses?” And being bombarded with photos from 100s of other families’ Instagram pages offering glimpses of that different reality only fed the fire of tempestuous “what ifs.”
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I found Instagram started filling the space of my prayer life. I don’t have much quiet time. Homeschooling and caring for a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 month old monopolizes most of my day. And then there is caring for the ever so sweet and ever so needy 2.5 year old Garrett. (much of the 40 hour work week he is cared for by an in home nurse, but there is always time fore me to worry, and plenty of time where I play the role of “mommy nurse” if we have staffing issues). My valuable quiet time, my “me time” is usually when most of the house is napping, and I can take the dog (and 6 month old) for a walk. It is then that I will typically pray and think and contemplate and (being an introvert) recharge. However, during this month of Instagram, I found myself thinking about a caption for a post rather than praying. Thinking about a hashtag strategy, rather than giving myself up to prayer and restorative contemplation. If all the aforementioned issues weren’t enough, this one certainly takes the cake.
So no more Instagram. But I will absolutely continue my completely irregular postings on this blog. So please do stay tuned. And thank you. Really thank you for reading about and caring about our life.
